The struggle is realll . Barely been leaving the house . I don’t know if I’m bored or anxious anymore .
I have zero energy . Takes 3 hours to get my shit together to leave the house 😖
I return back to work on Saturday . I did manage to clean and do some laundry which I know seems silly but was a big deal for me 🥺.
So my doctor decided to put me on some medications for anxiety until things settle down.
I picked up my prescriptions after the appointment. Even with 4 coverages the main medications wasn’t even covered and will cost 120$ per month. I am going to submit the receipt to my insurances cause that doesnt seem right .
My doctor suggested I take some time off work and provided me with a note so I have a week off now to work on adjusting to meds etc. I am also actively looking for a counsellor.
Yesterday (halloween) I was able to go trick or treating with my nephew (only blood relative I have) It was so nice to participate . My job leaves me working nights, weekends and pretty much every single holiday so it was HUGE just to be there.
Today is Nov 1st and the 7th day . 1 FULL WEEK WITH NO ALCOHOL. I do have urges to drink and feel like something is missing but when I remind myself of how I felt the last few times I drank (awful) it is easy to say no and the feelings pass.
So today is day 5 and also happens to be my birthday .
I am currently in the waiting room of my doctors office . Originally I booked this appt to review my 24 blood pressure and holster monitor results .
But I will also speak with my doctor about my anxiety and brain fog. Maybe it would be worthwhile to go back on anti depressants .
Anyways it’s day 5 . My birthday and no urge to drink alcohol 🍷
Officially over the first 3 day hump.
Today is a little better . Not as tired but still feel drained and anxious .
Currently at a dentist appt but other than that I have a day off 🙂
Might go to the gym later , might not . We will see .
Still having urges to drink few times a day but they aren’t too hard to overcome . I just remind myself that drinking won’t fix anything and I will just feel worse tomorrow with a hang over 🤦♀️ Tomorrow is day 5 💪🏻
Third day . I am just drained of energy 💤 Barely made it to write this post . Had a half day at work finishing off a specialized certification which was a huge accomplishment ! 📜
So there was an upside today at least 😅
Off to bed I go ! Will write tomorrow 😴
(as you can tell my brain is still scattered)
Blew off work the last two nights . Panic attack again. I just feel “weird”. I feel uneasy , lost , dizzy , confused , and raw.
I think it’s more than just the alcohol but it’s all just heightened with the absence of it .
Anyways, not much more to report . Today was rough . Hardly have the energy to write anything. I guess this is just the process…
Hopefully tomorrow is better seeing as I have an important work function to tend to -.-
I am trying a new approach to being sober from alcohol. I recently went 6 weeks being entirely sober and then ” relapsed” . Triggers as far as I am concerned :
#1 Work Stress
#2 Anxiety and Depression
Many sub topics within each of those categories . All stemming from #2 , however work stress encompasses actual events I can pinpoint to triggering my drinking.
The latest trigger (as per usual) was work that started up my anxiety again. I wont tell you what I do but it is one of the most stressful jobs undeniably . (I apologize if my spelling and grammar is awful; the point of this is to get my thoughts out not about being grammatically correct)
The reason I chose this approach is cause I recently stumbled accrosss a self health book in which ” blogging” was a huge help with accountability when trying to become sober.
I am skeptical but trying to keep an open mind. This first post is going to be all over the place and I think that reflects my current state at the moment.
Yesterday I had the biggest panic attack I have ever experiences; to the point where I thought I was gonna die cause there is no way this was just a panic attack. Its interesting because it started after I tried to meditate before my shift at work. It came on fast. I felt weird. Dissociated. Sweaty . Dizzy. Felt like I was literally going crazy. Lasted about 2 hours during which I was huddled in a ball on the couch bawling my eyes out . It was terrifying. I called in sick to work not knowing what else to do. Felt guilty as I dont like calling in sick but I was in no state to go.
And then what did I do ? I drank . About 3 mixed drinks with whisky in it( I hate whiskey but its all I had and I was looking to the edge off ) Felt super guilty afterwards and started to clean obsessively so as to not feel like I completely blew off the day.
Woke up this morning feeling awful. Not hungover but dissapointed in myself. Stumbled across the aforementioned self help book about blogging and it gave me some hope and motivation. So, here I am. Day 1 again. Spent all morning outside reading said book and decided to try this approach. I feel a lot calmer today. I work tonight and I feel ok with that unlike yesterday.
I am going to try and write everyday and be honest about any downfalls . Hopefully this reaches just one person , if not its still great to get it out of my mind and onto ” paper” for myself to reflect on.
Here we go!!!